i'm done fighting my body's changes.

and please, join me in no longer treating your body as the enemy.

years ago, every time i stepped on the scale was a call to action. it was either time to lose weight, time to gain weight, or time to try to keep my routine – exercise, calories, step count – exactly the same in a desperate bid to maintain weight once it was finally “enough,” the definition of which was constantly in flux.

i’m over it.

i’m just… not interested in fighting my body’s changes anymore. it’s kind of that simple, but it also really isn’t.

logically i have understood since i embarked on eating disorder recovery in 2018 that our bodies and weights are supposed to fluctuate. i have known that if you are on your period you might weigh more, that if you ate a lot of sodium you might retain water weight, that if you are constipated your weight may increase, that if you had to fast for whatever reason or if you had particularly awful flu you would lose water weight, that if you had a very active vacation you might come home and weigh less, etc. etc.

the trouble was i couldn’t get myself to be emotionally okay with these changes. always, always, always there was something that needed to be done about it. something i had to do to fight the size and weight my body wanted to be in a given moment.

i don’t know quite how i made peace with the fact that my body is going to be constantly changing and there’s nothing i need to do to stop it, but it happened recently. i think it might have something to do with the fact that i am the heaviest i have ever been, and also the most consistently happy, fulfilled, and mentally healthy i have ever been. this, coupled with the realization that i’ve been in the most despair during periods where my weight was lower, prompted a reckoning deep with in me.

it’s not that i am happy now because i weigh more, or that i was sad because i weighed less. it was the lifestyles that accompanied these periods.

yes, i was underweight (finally!), but my ocd was out of control. yes, i weighed less than i do today, but my bulimia was the worst it’s ever been. and yes, i weigh more now, but i have never in my life been so consistently mentally and emotionally stable, or had such a healthy approach to food and exercise, or cared so little about my appearance.

and yes, i am considered overweight. but if that label from the doctor is the price i have to pay for a life well-lived, a life that is meaningful and purpose-driven and content, a life where i can eat thai food and a brownie in the same day, so be it.

i had my sister take these photos the other day, and while i was a little taken aback by how much i have grown, expanded, and stretched over the years, i really truly felt beautiful.

years ago, i wouldn’t have known that feeling good in my skin and weighing more were things that could possibly go together. i know that now, and i hope i continue knowing that forever.

my body is going to change. there are going to be times when i am so stressed out that i may lose weight. i might – and, based on the sometimes chronic nature of these sorts of things, probably will – go through periods where i struggle again with food and my body. i could enter a new relationship and gain what is called “happy weight,” the weight that comes with feeling loved and safe and going on dates that include delicious meals, or weekends that don’t include anything but laying in bed with the person you love. maybe i will go through pregnancy one day and my body will change then, too. i’m okay with that now.

our lives are constantly changing, ebbing and flowing into new shapes and with it, our bodies too. my body is not my enemy anymore, so why would i waste any more time trying to fight it?