i want my crush to date other people.

you don't need to worry about forever.

it is 2019. i am 18. i’ve just lost my virginity in the second week of college with a boy i had a crush on in my cultural foundations class. we have a friends with benefits thing going on and i am totally dying cool with it, and it was such a good idea that he had. it’s actually great that it’s not exclusive because we can sleep with other people, and my friend sophie told me college is the time to play the field so it’s perfect.

only i’m not sleeping with other people.

but he is, and i know this because he sends me snapchats from beds that have those tiktok LED light strips plastered to the battered college dorm twin XL headboards we all have as freshmen at nyu, and i know it isn’t his bed because his doesn’t have those. what it does have is one flat pillow and navy blue sheets stained with bodily fluids from god only knows where or rather, whom.

i hated it. i was young and infatuated and not yet confident in myself and i am allowed to have been those things. i am fiercely monogamous even in casual relationships, i love commitment, and i am loyal as a yellow lab. i don’t generally talk to multiple people at the same time and i don’t usually have a roster because it doesn’t feel good to me.

but no one was more surprised than me when i was sitting across the bed from a boy that i really like and realized i truthfully, genuinely wouldn’t care at all if he was seeing other people. in fact, part of me wants him to.

when i have a crush on somebody, i want them to see what’s out there. i want them to know for sure that there isn’t someone better for them. i want them to talk to other girls, or go on dates with them, or even have sex with them if they feel like it because if we do end up choosing each other, i want us to both know that each other is what we really truly want. if they decide they want to be with me, i want to know that they made that decision not because it’s convenient, or because i am just someone to pass time with, or because i am a placeholder for someone else who they hope will one day come into the picture and rock their world.

i don’t need my crush to think i am perfect because no one is. i don’t need him to be sure about forever with me. i don’t need anyone to be thinking about forever at all, ever. but if he wants to be with me, i do want him to be with me for no other reason than because he wants to be.

love is not forced or earned, it just is. or it isn’t, and that’s okay too. and sure, it hurts when someone realizes they don’t want to date you, but wouldn’t you agree that it hurts significantly more to move into something more serious with someone who doesn’t quite know if they like you or not? who is with you but wishing you were someone else? who is ultimately just not a good fit for you?

i know it can be hard to let things just be what they are. due to my ocd i used to be unable to tolerate uncertainty in relationships of any degree of seriousness. i needed to know what are we? after like, a week of talking. i needed it to be exclusive early on. i needed to know i was the only one this person was seeing. it gave me a sense of security. the illusion of security, that is.

what i’ve learned over the years is there is no such thing as “locking someone down.” i don’t want to lock someone down. i want them to sit next to me voluntarily and hold my hand and share a coffee with me because they want to, knowing that they came by their own free will and can leave at their own free will if that’s what starts feeling right to them. they don’t need to know they want to stay with me forever and that is okay with me because i know deep in my soul that if they are supposed to be with me forever, they will.

there is no such thing as guarantees when it comes to love, romance, and relationships of all kinds. people change – our feelings, our needs, our preferences, our patterns, our interests. people leave. we should all be allowed to change, and we don’t need to know that someone is our forever person (or that they’re going to be our person in any capacity at all) in order to enjoy the process of meeting someone and enjoying the time you spend together for however long it is mutually beneficial. maybe that’s a couple dates. maybe that’s a few months or years. or maybe that’s forever. i’m open to all of it.

when i am in the early days of seeing someone all i need to know is am i having fun? can i be myself with this person? do i enjoy having them in my life? if the answer is yes, then i’m good. i don’t date anyone unless i personally can see a future with them, but i don’t need to worry about the details yet. at some point i will, but i am so completely okay with taking things slow and letting them become whatever they are supposed to be. maybe that is nothing at all. i know what i hope for eventually, but i no longer date people with the expectation for me to know or for them to know right away if what i hope for will happen.

don’t get me wrong. when i have a crush i daydream, i listen to songs i’ve known for years that are suddenly about them, and yes, i do have a way in my head that in an ideal world things would play out, but what coexists with all these normal parts of having a crush is the ease that comes with knowing i am in no rush, and that feels so liberating.

i’ve also learned that while there is so much beauty in uncertainty and ambiguity, the flip side of that is that there is often danger in defining things too soon. as we all know, desperation leads to settling and it is all too easy to make commitments based on first (or second or third) impressions that you later regret once you’ve gotten to know the person more. beyond that, there is the idea that once you’ve “locked someone down” they can’t leave. they can’t hurt you. they can’t be the wrong person.

guess what? people in committed marriages of decades can cheat. people who tell you they love you after four weeks can lie. people who say you are the only one they want can have a whole identity you know nothing about. as i said before, there are no guarantees in love. i don’t say this to stoke fear or insecurity in people, but because i don’t want anyone out there to jump into things because they have a need for security. a relationship cannot promise you that. another person cannot promise you that in general and placing your sense of worth, happiness, and self in the hands of anyone but yourself is a slippery, slippery slope.

but there is hope. because there are people who will choose you and keep choosing you. there are people who will love you even more once they get to know the real you that not everyone gets to see. there are people who will call you home the same way you call them home. and if that is supposed to happen with your crush, or with anyone you’re interested in, it will.

there is an article by charlotte gullick i read this week that i highly recommend. here is an excerpt:

“I want a boring, boring love. I want a first kiss on a third date. I want genuine questions and truthful answers, curiosity and calmness and respect. I want a slow-burn, an understanding, a conversation. I want someone who won’t get bored, I want to understand someones mind before I understand their body. I want disagreements that happen dilligently over a kitchen table, that end in soft hugs and quiet kisses. I want nighttime routines and early bedtimes. To watch a shared favourite show cuddled on our cheap sofa. A cup of herbal tea and my favourite chocolate bar waiting on the coffee table even though I didn’t ask for one after a long day at work. I want to smile with our eyes while we brush our teeth together in the morning, I want to feel no anxiety as he sets of for work because I know exactly how the day will, more or less, play out. I want to feel safe. I want to move at a pace that feels natural to me and not worry that they will run off because it’s not exciting.”

who you are and how you feel and what you think is wonderful and lovely, and one day someone will think that too. if someone doesn’t think that – if someone thinks you are too much, or not enough, or this that or the other thing, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. it also doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with the person who feels that way about you. all it means is you aren’t a good match, and that’s okay too.

let go of the need for control. trust that things will play out the way they are supposed to and maybe you’ll end up together or maybe you won’t. you don’t need to worry about that now. all you need to do is take things at your own pace. do whatever feels good for you. know that there is no right or wrong way to go about dating, sex, and relationships, only different ways. you got this.

xoxo,

grace