I spent $60 and it didn’t cure my depression but it was worth a shot.

A love letter to TJ Maxx.

There is a phenomenon among female salmon where when it’s time for them to lay their eggs and start the next generation of fish, they swim back to where they were born. No matter where they are, their bodies just know how to get back to their place of origin.

This is the closest metaphor I can come up with for my relationship to TJ Maxx and HomeGoods. My body just knows where they are, and it knows that’s where I’m supposed to be. The body keeps the score, as they say, and seeing those red blocky letters outside a TJ Maxx just feels like coming home.

Side note: Does anyone know if you can do destination births? If I have kids I want it to happen at one of these two stores. That way they can have dual citizenship.

Yesterday I was feeling so crummy. Crummy is such a good word and I don’t use it enough and you probably don’t either. Having chronic depression means some days you’re just going to feel like shit.

I knew what I needed to do. Rather, where I needed to go.

I’m going through a spending money thing which is a problem because I’m not going through a making money thing. At all. This did not stop me from spending around $60 at TJ Maxx and HomeGoods. I found a new Snoopy blanket which I didn’t need but if you’ve read my past pieces you know my fall-themed Peanuts blanket with all the characters has made a few cameos, and do I really need a blanket of the same variety but without an orange and yellow leaves pattern? My answer today is no. My answer yesterday… Take a wild guess.

I also got two new body oils for $7 each, an Ed Hardy shirt, and two candles. I’m a candle fiend, but I use them all the time! I go through ‘em fast! Not fast enough to warrant what happened yesterday but I was feeling really depressed and lonely, okay?

It didn’t fix my mood. In fact, it almost made it worse because I felt like such an idiot for spending money I don’t have to buy things I don’t need. I drove home listening to Lana (I’ve never claimed she is unproblematic but sometimes I just have to get my fix) and knew what I needed to do, but for real this time.

When I’m feeling this way, or when I am feeling particularly anxious, I have a few things I do that help. I force myself to spend at least 30 minutes outside. I tidy my room and make it cozy; it’s not perfect and I have three baskets of clean laundry dumped in the corner that have been there for literally months, but I do what I can in that moment. I reach out to people I want to connect with and haven’t been making enough of an effort to see. I then try to spend as much time away from my phone as possible.

And it made me feel so much better. I’ll also say that once I put on my new shirt, made my room all nice with my new blanket and candles, took a beautiful hot shower followed by using my new body oil (Vanilla Almond scent), and made some plans with friends, I really started to appreciate the things I bought.

Was shopping the best decision I could’ve made? No. But sometimes we make missteps on the path to doing what’s right, and I do think I deserve a reward for not going into the Hallmark store and popping my Jellycat cherry. I did peruse them online but oh my God, why are they so fucking expensive?

You can get a gigantor weighted dinosaur from Target (or horse, pig, unicorn. They’ve really expanded their repertoire) for $25 and I have one that I got three years ago. You’ll be pleased to know I did not purchase another one in a different color.

Sometimes the best medicine is appreciating what you already have.

Okay I’m so sorry, I wanted to come up with a pithy little last line but that is nottttttt the one. Maybe today you don’t get one. Maybe today what you need is to be present with the people you love in the places you love doing the things that you don’t necessarily love but know your brain will love in the long-term. Mental health is messy, and most days are not perfect. Let yourself feel what you feel, and try to honor your future self when you decide what you’re going to do about those feelings.

…And maybe buy this.