do you hate her or are you just jealous?

other women are not your competition.

A little under a year ago I went to a concert — it was The National and The War On Drugs if you must know. It was so fun. I wore a cute little outfit, I spent time with my parents, and I was on a high afterwards that couldn’t be broken by anything.

That is, anything except getting in the car, opening Instagram, and seeing a picture of an influencer I hate looking way better than I did. My mood plummeted. It sounds unbelievable looking back on it, that something as small as another woman killing it in a magazine spread was enough to send me into a tailspin, but it did.

Let’s break it down one more time.

1. I look cute. I feel great.

2. Another woman looks cute. I feel terrible.

What?!

Her looking beautiful has absolutely nothing to do with me, but I allowed it to have everything to do with me because that’s how insecure I was. And I’m ashamed to say it, but this is an influencer I have found myself inexplicably hating for years. Of course I call myself a feminist, but my God insecurities can just bring out a side me that is ugly and not at all the kind of person I want to be.

It’s also worth mentioning I don’t hate easily! I generally have a lot of love in my heart and it takes a lot for me to decide someone is worth hating or resenting, but I caught myself feeling that way towards this person, and her only crime was being — as I perceived it — prettier, more successful, and just all around better than me.

I was ashamed to feel the way I did, and I feel embarrassed admitting all of this, but it prompted a realization that I think required this story as context.

I did not hate her.

I was jealous of her.

And really, how many times have you caught yourself resenting somebody — especially another woman — for reasons you can’t quite pinpoint, but when you peel back the layers you realize, “Oh my God, I hate them because they’re better than me/they have something I want.” (Or that’s how you perceive it anyway.)

One popular example of this is seeing the girl your ex-boyfriend is now dating, and finding yourself absolutely hating her when if you met her in a different context, you might be best friends. Your own friends might say things like “he downgraded” or “you’re prettier than her anyway” to make you feel better and I loathe this habit because we shouldn’t have to tear down another woman, whose only crime is catching feelings for the same man you did, in order to feel better about ourselves. If you need to be mad at someone, be mad at your ex! Not the innocent girl who is probably a lovely person and who is so, so much more than her connection to this man.

You don’t hate her.

Part of you is just jealous.

And it’s okay to be jealous, but it doesn’t help anyone for that jealousy to be weaponized and made into a reason to see a woman as beneath (or above!) you. There is enough success and love in the world for all of us. She is deserving of it just as much as you and just because she has it doesn’t mean you never will.

Sit with your jealousy. Ask yourself what you need to work on in yourself in order to nip this habit in the bud. Maybe you need to build up self confidence. Maybe you need to spend more time with people you love. Maybe you need to get to know her. Maybe you need to read more, I don’t know.

But you don’t need to hate her.

How much misdirected anger do we hurl at women when everyone in the equation would all be better off if you really sat with and unpacked why you hate them?

Now when I catch myself having a mean thought about another woman, I acknowledge it and reframe it. I remember that she’s not just a canvas that is prettier than mine is, she’s a whole person with feelings, hobbies, struggles, interests, family, etc. and when I let her beauty bother me, I am doing the same thing that I claim to be against as a feminist: reducing a woman to one characteristic, often having to do with her appearance, instead of viewing her as a complex and whole individual.

As women, we are conditioned to see other women as our competition, and they just aren’t. Remember, her success is your success. Your success is her success. If we care about uplifting each other, we need to realize that another woman succeeding isn’t a threat to us and should instead be something we celebrate.

That influencer is fucking awesome. She has a life that is absolutely enviable, and she is beautiful and rich and skinnier than me which I hate to say bothered me but it did at one point, and she is awesome. You know who else is awesome? Me! And you. That is always true, and doesn’t become more or less true because of how awesome another woman is.

(If you know me this goes without saying, but if not let me make this clear: the idea that a win for one woman is a win for women everywhere absolutely does not apply to women who deliberately contribute to the dehumanization, mistreatment, and safety of other women.)