breaking up when you still love each other.

and moving on when you don't anymore.

note: this is a journal entry full of life updates from my corner of the world; you can skip through the first chunk to advice for breaking up and moving on if you’d like! it is italicized.

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i don’t want to write. i don’t want to. i don’t feel like it but i know if i want this writer’s block – or as one of you described it to me, writer’s “clot” – to pass i need to push through. so this is how i am feeling.

i started a new job recently and it is phenomenal. i am so in love with it, and i feel so happy to be helping animals and connecting with people over how much joy we get out of serving those on four legs. sometimes i wonder if having a job you loathe is a necessary evil, because i do find that i am so much more appreciative and grateful to have landed a job i love because i’ve had jobs that were miserable. what do you, dear readers, think?

but i do love this job. i love it so much it scares me! actually it doesn’t.

when people say “if your dreams don’t scare you, they’re not big enough” i think that is kind of bogus, if i’m honest. what if my dream is to have a cozy slow life where i take care of animals and i write my little essays and read my books and live close to friends and family and feel like part of my community? and to own a squatty potty?

side note: i really, really need a squatty potty. it’s kind of an investment piece, no? if i got a little squatty potty for the table would you guys have some? it’s too much for just me.

i have horrible digestive problems and i am sorry. when newborn babies have gas their mamas can give them little massages to help move things along. the primary way i care for my inner child is by doing these massages on myself.

i wish i was a delicate princess who didn’t fart or poop and wipe it on the walls and sometimes i am but more than that i am a disgusting, filthy caveman farting up a storm so bad the air quality index in my community goes up. trust me, no one is more tired of it than me.

still, i am sorry.

speaking of delicate princesses: i have been wearing my favorite perfume more. i got out of the shower a few days ago – wait, you need context here. i went to tjmaxx a few months ago and got two new body oils because that is my post-shower moisturizer of choice. one is a warm, vanilla almond sort of scent (my favorite smells are always of that ilk) and one, which i didn’t need but i was going through a lot so i did buy, is coconut hibiscus. i don’t know why i got it. i don’t really like fruity and floral scents, but i also knew summer was coming. yet at my core, i want to smell like a cookie.

i also wish my name was cookie but that is a different conversation and not one i want to have today. not yet…

anyway, so a few days ago i got out of the shower and it was time to choose which body oil to use that day. i have been rationing the one i like because i want to save it for special occasions (?), but then i thought about that joan didion quote where she says “every day is all there is.”

that’s what i believe too! i have spent so many years rationing things like nice stickers and my good pens which, in turn, leads to me never using these items. for what? and for why! so i am using the body oil i like and my signature perfume even if i don’t see another soul that day. it makes me feel good, it makes me feel like me. so this is your reminder to pay attention to the ways you are rationing your joy, because that’s really what it is.

now for the big kahuna, the reason we’re all here: i have a date tomorrow.

i know, i know, i know! i know what i said about how i want to be single for the whole summer, but sometimes i just come up with rules and goals on a whim that i later disagree with. i’ll give you an example. last night at around 7:30pm i said, “i’m not going to go on my phone until 12pm tomorrow.” and it’s like… why though? i don’t use my phone very often, and when i do it’s just to contact friends and family and this boy i have a crush on. why do i try to deny myself that?

i ended up going on my phone and having a lovely fun time talking to this fella. it was enjoyable and a positive experience and it felt good! this is the summer for doing things that feel GOOD!

for whatever reason (and i have always been this way) i want to constantly be testing my willpower, but sometimes there would be more benefit to me allowing myself access to activities i enjoy than depriving myself of them. so i gave myself a month to be single after my break up (of a 6-7 month relationship, so that feels like a long enough break from dating), i fell in love with myself all over again, and i’m ready to let someone in.

i do have one rule though going back into dating. i will only be with someone who cherishes me. i have an essay coming out about this soon but i am trying to believe that knowing me is a privilege. i provide so much and bring a lot to the table, and i deserve to have that reciprocated.

i don’t believe in expecting any form of loyalty or devotion too soon, but i do think the way someone approaches dating says a lot about them. i’ll give you an example. there was one boy i matched with recently who has been so flaky with making plans. he reaches out to make them, i respond, then he doesn’t text for 4 days (during which we had plans). no. i’m not doing that.

i would’ve a few years ago. i would’ve been waiting by the phone for this guy to text me and realize that i am actually super cool and he does like me and want to make plans and follow through with them oh boy oh boy oh boy! i’m over that and i hope you are too! remember that your time is valuable, and you deserve someone who can communicate and make plans like an adult.

but i do have a date tomorrow with someone else, the aforementioned crush i was talking to last night. and i am excited! i wrote about it in my journal and wrote out “:D” on paper when i mentioned it. perhaps i will wear a dress. or a skirt. or pants. i’m a loose canon, who knows!

before we go further: i don’t think i am going to upload the entirety of this piece i wrote when my breakup was fresher about breaking up with someone when you still love each other, because i don’t love that person anymore. i’ve moved on. it doesn’t feel true to me anymore, but i also know some people are going through similar things so i will share part of it here:

i was in a loving relationship. we had our moments, but it was generally healthy. i loved this person. i think a lot of the times when there is a falling out of any kind and someone says “i wish them the best,” they are lying through their teeth but i mean it when i say i genuinely wish my ex the best.

but my needs were no longer being met and, with where this person was in their life at that point, they weren’t able to meet those needs. it doesn’t make them a bad person, or a villain, or someone that i think of negatively. i am so grateful for the time we had together, and i learned so much from this connection.

the week leading up to the break up i went for a walk and listened to an episode of jillian turecki’s podcast “jillian on love” in which she admits that if she knew how to stand up for herself at the time of her marriage, she never would’ve married her first husband.

if you constantly push your own needs and feelings down deep inside you, they build up and turn into resentment. when i listened to this i thought, “okay, well i don’t want to resent my partner, so i need to voice my needs.”

communicating my needs and advocating for myself is something i struggle with heavily, particularly in romantic relationships. on the podcast, jillian mentioned that a lot of women in particular share this struggle as we are biologically wired and then societally conditioned to be nurturing, caring, forgiving, and understanding. this next part is the one that kills me.

she said that so many people are scared of admitting that something isn’t working for them because they don’t want to initiate a conversation that could end with the relationship ending. we would rather suffer in silence than rock the boat, because we are desperate for this to work out and the possibility of it ending doesn’t seem worth it.

i used to struggle with anxious attachment on such a deep level that i was constantly terrified of giving people reasons to leave me. what i failed to realize was i could be the one who leaves, if it came down to it.

without getting too into detail about the who, what, when, where, why, i ultimately had to choose to do the hardest thing: choose myself. this was an idea that people in my life who love me had been gently pushing me towards for a while, but a breakup is something you have to decide for yourself. no one can do it for you, and no one can force you to realize that breaking up is the answer.

the moment for me was when i got out of the shower, after days of agonizing trial and error of trying and failing to get my needs met. i wrapped myself in my towel and looked in the mirror and thought, “if i was choosing me, i would leave.”

you can’t unrealize something like that, no matter how much you try to pretend you never realized it in the first place. it’s like walking in someone in the bathroom. once it’s done, that moment is burned into your brain forever.

i think there is an idea that if you were the one to break up with somebody, it must be easy for you. after all, you’re the one who made the decision that to the naked eye makes it seem like you were okay with leaving.

i didn’t want to leave. i had to leave.

what people don’t realize is that often times, the person who initiated the break up could already feel the relationship nearing its end. they could feel the other person pulling away. they could feel that they weren’t a priority. they could feel the other person falling out of love with them. so even though they were the one to finally end it, the relationship had been in the process of dying long before then.

one person can’t fight for a relationship. one person can’t save a relationship. one person can’t get a relationship back to where it used to be. it doesn’t matter how good they are at trying to do these things; it has to be a joint effort for there to be progress. and if one person isn’t making that effort – or isn’t willing to try – the relationship will never change.

that is a devastating truth, so here is an uplifting one: you will be okay. you will always be okay. they might leave and it will suck but you will be okay. you might leave and it will suck but you will be okay. every time you have not been okay in the past, eventually you were again.

the amount of joy, fulfillment, and purpose i have felt in the last few weeks compared to how i felt towards the end of my relationship is unbelievable. i feel so loved and valued by those around me and the ways people have showed up for me could bring me to tears. i got my dream job and my first paid feature in a literary publication. i got back into running and am loving it. i go to bed later and wake up earlier. i do what makes me happy and feel good.

and i fell in love, this time with me. i’m loving getting to know her and honor her the best way i can. i love grace so, so much. i love how kind she is. i love how creative she is. i love how much she loves her friends and family. i love her passion for helping and taking care of animals. i love that her favorite activities are reading and writing in her nightgown.

don’t get me wrong, i have difficult moments. i cry when i am in their neighborhood. i feel lonely sometimes.

but never as lonely as i was before.

ok so that was the excerpt! she says after dropping a quote that is a page and a half and 999 words... but maybe it will be helpful to someone! i don’t know.

anyway, i have moved on. i am thankful for the memories and the lessons that came with the relationship, the breakup, and the alone time that followed, and i deeply needed all of it, but i am ready to meet new people and see where the wind takes me!

it feels good to delve back into dating knowing that i have my back no matter what. that feels so comforting, to have such a strong foundation in my relationship with myself that i can never lose, even if a connection with another person doesn’t work out. if someone adds to my life in a meaningful way, that’s great. if not, i have a fulfilling, meaningful life even without a romantic interest. i will always have me, and no one can take that from me.

that will always be mine.

okay, this is my little life update. as a reward for getting myself to write, i will allow myself a few episodes of family guy.

until next time,

grace <3